Emptiness

Tonight our small group had a combined Christmas gathering / going away dinner for one of our couples. Actually, only the wife was able to join us, as her husband is diligently plying himself to his new job's responsibilities in order to be able to take the time to move this weekend. My feelings were very mixed as the get together (dinner out together) approached. You see, M&J (the couple) were, well, are an answer to prayer for me. For almost a year, Matt and I made our life here in Gainesville and prayed for friends. He quickly formed friendships with his coworkers and enjoys spending time with them at work and hanging out. I found myself in a work situation that just hasn't led to (m)any friends. That is, until, J. She teaches (taught, as of this coming Friday) the grade level above me at my school and invited us to the aforementioned small group. Is is HER asking, through the Lord's leading, that led us to our church and small group. Her demeanor at school is very outgoing and wonderfully assertive, which greatly intimidated me at first. I remember Matt asking me soon after we met J&M if I thought she could be the answer to our "friend" prayers for me, especially since we have teaching in common. I distinctly recall telling him I thought we might be friends, but her assertiveness seemed a little too intimidating for me, we wouldn't be good friends. Little did I know what God would teach me as He orchestrated time for us to get to know each other better. As the layers were peeled back from J's heart in her sharing her time and God's story in and through her, I thought, "This is it--a friend, a good friend, at last." We started hanging out with J&M more outside of church stuff this summer. Matt gets along really well with M, and they even went fishing together in the Gulf. I saw that J and I were a lot more alike that I first thought, and that there was a great deal of tenderness to her.

That is why I cried as soon as we got to the car after church about 6 weeks ago. J told us after the service that they were moving to Atlanta. I wondered, based on comments she had made, if some of M's recent travels had to do with interviewing. I held onto the hope that the interviews where to move up within his office here in Gville. But, that was not in God's plan. As soon as we got to the car, I lost it. I'm fighting tears just thinking about the roller coaster of emotions and my heart's cry to God the past 6 weeks. At first I thought, "I was wrong! J was not the answer to our prayers for a friend!!" But I have seen in the last 6 weeks, that indeed, she was and IS. It has been painful. More painful than if we hadn't become friends and I'd gone the past 14 months with no friend. In a small town with so many college students, it is difficult to find other couple our age who are "staying." People remark with shock and delight, "Oh! You're not in school?!? You mean you're... staying?!?!?" when they find out. As a person who quite admittedly dislikes change and clings to routine, it can make my stomach hurt to think about how many people will come and go from our lives and hearts by living here.

Soon after moving to Gville, our pastor mentioned in a sermon that he was told after moving here not to let anyone in. "People just leave in this town, don't let them too close." He commented on how BACKWORDS that is to how Jesus calls us to live and love. We are to love freely and fully, to enter into the community He provides, and to wish well those whom God moves on to other places. Yes, it means brokenness. Yes, it means heartache. But we are not called to seal ourselves off from that possibility. I heard what he said, I so appreciated what he said, but I never thought I'd be called to live it out so soon. Here I am, letting go of a relationship already. Here I am, not letting go of "a" relationship, but honestly, of the one person here I truly call a friend, other than my husband.

My heart's cry has included many things the last 6 weeks. Lots of confusion, lots of questions, lots of cries for peace and trust. In the midst of my aching and wondering, there are 2 things He has shown me through this answer to prayer.

Number 1: I am determined that I will not let my heart become hardened and hesitant to love and let others in by the "losses" the nature of this town is already bringing to pass. It is, after all, where God placed us in His wisdom. It is, without a doubt, where He led and has provided for us abundantly in so many ways. In being determined not to stave off more hurt, God has taken my eyes off of me and my aching heart, away from "why don't people try to get to know me--I'm still new!" to "who is newer than I am?" and "who looks like they could use someone to come alongside?" It doesn't matter how new I am, it doesn't matter how few friends I have, I can still be one. I don't have to already have any friends in my corner (other than Jesus, and Matt rocks too ;) ) in order to be a friend. God has renewed the eyes of our hearts to seek out those with whom we can enter in, instead of waiting to be sought after. Instead of Satan dealing a crushing blow by making me feel like the loosely forming threads of a friendship rug are already being pulled out from under me, I am more determined than ever not to yield to the "comfort" of avoiding hurt. Loving hurts. Sharing life hurts, especially when things change. But, loving and living require sacrifice. That sacrifice will not keep me from living and loving, even if every friend I ever make here ends up moving.

Number 2: The sermon was for me this morning. I don't know who else it was for, but it was for me without a doubt. Rob word-for-word said, "Whatever or whomever you're waiting for, you are not alone. God is with you." Wow, did my heart need that reminder. Whatever or whomever I am waiting for, I am not alone. God is with me. Emmanuel, God with us. As my one friend leaves and I feel like I'm left with empty hands and a grieving heart, I am NOT alone. In SO many ways I am not alone. I have the most amazing, loving, holds me while my tears overflow, patient, encouraging, supportive husband; I am not alone. I do have friends, even though they don't live here; I am not alone. I have two incredible families who love me and pray for me; I am not alone. But most of all, the God of the universe is with ME. He is WITH me. I am NOT alone. I do not have to fend for myself in this wait, and I do not have to hold it in and act like it's all fine. The God who knew my every thought and everything that will pierce my heart before I was born is with me. Rob talked about being in a waiting room at the hospital or a doctor's office, waiting for something. He talked about waiting alone in that room, and then seeing the door open and finding the face of someone you know. Someone who loves you to wait with you. I am not at the ER, but the pursuit of a friend has been much longer than I expected, and just when I thought it was over, I'm back in the waiting room. But, I am not alone.

I have always loved the end of Little Women, where the professor tells Jo, "I have nothing to offer you, my hands are empty." She gently and lovingly takes his hand and answers, "Not empty now." As I've held up my heart and my hands the last 6 weeks feeling like they are so empty, today God spoke through Rob and reminded me, "Not empty now." We will keep waiting, together.